From Family Patterns to Freedom: My Journey with Approval and Perfectionism
Our families of origin shape us more than we sometimes want to admit. Some of us polish our memories until everything looks “almost perfect.” Others avoid family altogether because it still hurts. Either way, when we think about our lives today, we eventually have to face how our families influenced who we’ve become with our behaviors.
For me, that reckoning came as I worked through one of my many searching and fearless moral inventory. I began to see how my approval-seeking and perfectionism weren’t random quirks; they grew out of the environment I was raised in. The messages I absorbed, spoken and unspoken, the actions I experienced left a deep imprint. Naming these two struggles was the first step toward healing.
Telling the Truth (Without Staying Stuck)
The first brave act was admitting the truth about what shaped me through the years not created me but what shaped me. There is a difference. Shaping, means recognizing the words and actions of parents, relatives, friends, and external influences, that wounded me, confused me, or taught me to survive by pleasing everyone and “getting it all right.”
The second brave act was allowing myself to feel what I had avoided: anger, sadness, and regret. Grieving is holy work. It’s ok to hold others accountable in our hearts and before God, and to lament the impact their choices had on us. It just not ok to stay stuck there.
Here’s the rest of the picture: while others’ actions may have influenced how I got here, they don’t get to write the ending of my story. Once I knew (know) the difference between unhealthy and healthy, I am responsible to choose healthy. I can’t use my past anymore as a blanket permission slip or to stay stuck in the same cycle. Responsibility is not blame, it’s an invitation to freedom. We have to deal, feel in order to heal from your past and current hurts, that have left us wounded, living out our wounds through unhealthy behaviors.
A Balanced Self-Perception
For years, I lived as if my compulsive coping (people-pleasing, perfectionism) defined me. When life felt like “all or nothing,” I assumed I was “all bad” on the inside and needed to perform my way to being “good.” That’s a lie.
The gospel tells a fuller story. In Genesis 1, after creating humanity in His image, God looked at everything He had made and called it good (Gen. 1:26–27, 31). Being made in the image of God means you carry dignity, creativity, capacity, and purpose. The Fall introduced sin and fracture, but it did not erase the image of God in us. That means our identity isn’t “broken beyond hope”; it’s “beloved and being restored.”
A healthy, biblical self-view holds both truths at once:
I have real shortcomings and unhealthy patterns that need healing and change.
I also have God-given strengths and gifts that reflect His image.
This balanced view quiets shame and fuels growth. It helps me repent without self-contempt, and receive affirmation without needing to perform for it.
Tools That Help (Why I’m Grateful for Celebrate Recovery)
God uses people and processes to heal us. For me, a Christ-centered recovery path like Celebrate Recovery has been a lifeline. Here are practices that continue to help:
Inventory (Step 4): “Openly examine and confess my faults…” This isn’t about self-punishment; it’s about honest clarity. Patterns lose power when they’re named.
Confession and Accountability (Steps 5–7): Telling the truth to God and a trusted person brings light and releases shame and guilt.
Amends (Steps 8–9): Where it’s wise and safe, making amends restores integrity and untangles relationships.
Daily Maintenance (Steps 10–12): Ongoing reflection, prayer, and service keep us growing instead of drifting back into old cycles.
Under all of this is Scripture’s promise of renewal: “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rom. 12:2). Renewal is God’s work and our cooperation daily, it humbling and doable.
What Taking Ownership Looks Like
Taking responsibility isn’t about white-knuckling perfection (that’s just perfectionism in church clothes). It looks like:
Naming the pattern: “I’m chasing approval. I’m over-preparing to avoid criticism.”
Tracing the roots: “This started in my family system. Those messages shaped me.”
Grieving the impact: “That hurt. I lost years to fear and striving.”
Receiving truth: “I am made in God’s image. I am loved apart from my performance.”
Choosing new behaviors: “Today I will set a boundary, tell the truth, and accept ‘good enough.’”
Practicing with support: “I’ll check in with my sponsor/mentor and stay connected in community.”
Celebrating progress: “Short-term wins matter. Obedience today counts.”
Stepping Out of Hiding
If you’re wrestling with approval addiction or perfectionism, you don’t have to keep hiding. God already knows, already loves, and already has a path for you. Begin (or begin again) with a simple prayer:
Lord, give me courage to tell the truth, grace to grieve what was lost, wisdom to set new boundaries, and the humility to receive Your love without earning it. Renew my mind and reshape my habits. Teach me to live from Your approval, not for people’s applause. Amen.
Then take one small step today:
Start your inventory; one relationship, one memory, one pattern at a time.
Share what you wrote with a safe, mature believer or recovery leader.
Choose one healthy boundary you will practice this week.
You are not your past. You are not your patterns. You are a person made in the image of God, being restored by the love of Christ. And as you come out of hiding, you’ll discover the truest you—the one God has delighted in from the beginning—learning to live free.
Ready to begin? Grab a notebook, ask God for courage, and write the first honest sentence. Freedom grows from there.
